The thing about an almost terrible childhood is that you don’t even know in how many ways it affects you. You don’t know every pattern, soon everyone becomes your father, and you crave for there attention even if as a favor. soon everyone becomes your mother and you are scared of the intensity of their love,
you don’t understand kindness you dont understand relation that exists without any motive. you don’t understand why people would want to be near you at all. don’t you suffocate them? arent you a terrible person who doesn’t deserve closeness? arent you boring? on surface, it looks like insecurity but it is more nuanced. I realize now that i don’t know how to navigate relations. I give it too much, too early or i don’t give anything until after its too late. I say sorry too much or i don’t say it enough. Either i give not enough space, or it feels like there is no intimacy at all. Now its, not one of those posts where i am being poetic and telling you that i have a contradicting personality here i am trying to tell you that i am fucked up. here i am trying to tell you that i am sorry. here i am trying to tell you that someday i will learn to enunciate the world love as its supposed to be said. But for now i cant, but for now i don’t know how to, but for now, i don’t know any better.